


Thoughts Of You

by nyoungcat0913



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst and Feels, Explicit Language, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6725419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyoungcat0913/pseuds/nyoungcat0913
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jackson went away for military services and you are left with heavy anxiety. The war heats up and Jackson stopped sending letters, your anxiety heightens, the nightmares came and you had no option but to fill the holes with someone else beside you at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts Of You

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this after listening to Katy Perry's Thinking Of You (fic is also inspired by the mv). I can assure you no character deaths are involved just.... major(?) angst.
> 
> PS. JACKSON AND BAMBAM ARE IN REAL MEN (which also resulted to this fic. Sorry. I can't write angst for my baby Bambam, I'm a protective mom)
> 
> Fic is unedited so if there are mistakes, I'm sorry :(

It was heartbreaking; he'd be gone for a long time, you'd be lonely. Everyone told you to keep it together, to stay strong. You did. You told yourself you did. He sent you letters and you know you wouldn't feel as lonely as you feared. He kept talking about the noises: gun shots, screams, pleas to spare one's life. You hurt along with him. If you could, you'd want to go where he is and ease his pain even for a while. Sometimes he'd call, his voice sounded weak and lifeless. He often asks you "how are you doing?" And you'd answer, "better if only you were here." And with that, life would come back to his tone. You're all his left of hope, of peace, your heart his home and you stayed strong for him. When he comes back, you'll wrap your arms around him. Kiss his forehead and whisper how much you love him, how much you've missed him. And he'd finally smile, close his eyes and drift off to sleep as he thanks you.

Months passed and the letters stopped coming. The fear in your chest is rising. The last time he talked to you he sounded weary. He told you, "it would take a while but please bear with me." You boasted of your courage. "I'll be alright just promise me you take care." You said. He assured you he will. As soon as you hung up, the news came on. Things weren't looking well. Tensions are high. You clutch your chest, held a breath, "he'll be fine" you muttered to your self, "he'll be fine."

He'll be fine... but you are not. You held strong for so long and now your knees start to tremble. His name haunts your sleep, you wake up in a jolt screaming his name "Jackson!"

Even when you're awake, the nightmares wouldn't stop coming. The news told of high tensions, a lot of lives lost on both sides of the war and your heart aches. You fear to answer every knock on the door fearing of the bad news that might come.

************

'It was all temporary' you tell yourself mentally as you look at the sleeping figure by your side. You traced his facial features with your fingers and whisper his name, "Jaebeom...." but your heart felt empty, and your mind filled with the thoughts of Jackson. Where is he? How is he? Is he still alive? Those thoughts linger in your mind. Thoughts that kept creeping in your chest and you try your hardest to push them away. And so you kissed the sleeping figure. He stirs awake and fluttered his eyes open. "Hey..." he mutters. "Jaebeom-ah..." you mumbled and panic rose his eyes when he saw the tears. He wipes them away and kisses you "Don't..." he tells you. "I'm right here."

You know he is. You feel him too. He kept pushing his way to your heart but it was Jackson who still owns it. But you still kiss him back. And you continue to fuck him until he comes, until your thoughts are clouded, until the pain subsides...

You lie awake naked that night. Your head resting on Jaebeom's chest. You listened to his heartbeat like a lullaby to your peaceful sleep but then the door opens and you sat in panic. Jaebeom does so too and looks at the door. His eyes reflected shock and you looked back. Jackson was there, standing in front of your naked body in bed with a man.

"What..." he started, yet unable to find words to continue. Jaebeom gathered his things and hurried towards the door. Jackson didn't stop him. Too shocked at the scene before him. And when you moved, he snaps back to reality. "Jackson, I..." you started, panic rising from your chest to your head. "What is this? How the fuck did I end up coming home to this?" He growled, enough to send chills down your spine. He's real. He's there and you're bare, weak, and too ashamed of yourself to see him. Your tears fell, "I'm... I'm sorry..." you muttered. "You couldn't wait for me anymore?" Jackson asks and you shivered, not from the cold but the pain stings and you're too afraid to face him. "Was I gone for too long that you couldn't wait anymore?" He continues, "Don't you love me anymore?" His voices shakes, you felt it. A kind of pain that is far worse than his scars. "No! No, I love you!" You said, pleaded, almost ready to kneel in front of him on the floor. "Please... please..." you begged, tears streaming down your face. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?" Was all he said in return. "Why did you do it." You finally dropped to your knees, giving in to your weakness, "because I was scared. You suddenly were gone without so much as a word. I don't know where you are. I don't know how to stop the nightmares that came every night. I don't know how to stop hurting from your absence. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be alone."

He was silent for a while and the tears fell harder. "Do I still hurt you now that I'm here?" He asks, voice cracking. "No. Because you're alive. You're here. I'm not hurt anymore, rather I'm scared. All I ever thought of was you. Even when Jaebeom is here, you're all I ever think about. I feel disgusting. I know that's my karma, and I know you wouldn't take me back just because of what I just said. But please, don't hate me. Even if you ask me to leave, don't hate me."

He kneels in front of you, still silent. A few moments later, he begins, "I don't have the right to be mad at you. After all, I hurt you first right?" And you look at him, for the first time since he came. His stress was evident, his eyes almost lifeless, and your guilt rises as your eyes traces his scars. The tears kept falling when you realize how badly you must've hurt him. These scars where nothing compared to what you just did. And that was your scar, guilt.

"Go sleep. We'll talk in the morning." He smiles weakly. And he stands up to leave the room. "You're not sleeping here?" You ask. "No." He answered without turning his head towards you and left. The pain came back once again as soon as he closes the door.

************

You stayed up all night thinking about how to apologize and came up with nothing. This isn't the kind where you just broke a vase and said sorry and you both move on. What you broke last night was his trust. You were his hope, his reason to return home. You were the reason he persevered, his reason why he wakes up in the morning. You both were broken the moment he went away, and his strength surpassed yours in many ways. He held on to you and despite the nightmares, he turned to you, to the thoughts of you. He knew that after everything, he would come back to you.

You on the other hand, only ran. You hid from the pain, pleasured yourself with a man just to stop the nightmares from coming. Jaebeom had told you he loved you once, one night as he makes love to you, and you called out Jackson's name during your orgasm. All these thoughts flooded your mind the entire night. While you were running from your reality, you leave scars and pain to those around you. You were worse than a natural calamtiy striking without a warning and you knew what you needed to do. Jackson did not deserve someone like you. Jackson only deserved to be happy, especially in this reality, far from the war, the chaos, the screams. You were supposed to be his shelter, and you didn't deliver. You have no right for his forgiveness and realized that asking him not to hate you was too much, you deserve to be hated.

You packed your bags that morning. Not leaving anything so you wouldn't have an excuse to come back, so he wouldn't see things that remind him of you. You took the sheets and went outside intending to throw them away only to find Jackson sitting on the couch, wide awake. He sees you as you came down, sheets in hand, and he didn't say anything. You went out and threw the sheets away. When you were about to enter the house to pick up your things, Jackson was already standing at the door. "What are you doing?" He asks. "Erasing memories of me in this house." You replied, faking a chuckle. "Why the hell would you do that?" You shrugged, "I don't deserve to stay anymore." He squints a bit and walks towards you. "That's not up to you." He says as he leans forward to kiss you. Surprised, you only stared back at him as a response. "It would take a while to forget about the things that happened but..." he scratches his nape, oddly looking awkward with his actions "I forgive you. I forgive you because I really like you." His cheeks turning a bright pink as he stares at his feet. "I forgive you cuz I love you, okay?" And for the first time in what seems like forever, you smiled.


End file.
